Empowering Teens

Most teenagers get through adolescence with few problems, establishing their own identity and preparing for a successful future. However, some experience a more difficult passage to adulthood. They may be rebellious or irritable, or worse, wind up dropping out of school or developing destructive addictions.

Aside from the physiological changes that accompany puberty, youth go through cognitive changes that enable them to think more abstractly, and as they crave more independence, they often come into conflict with caregivers.

Importance of adult mentorship

At the very core of so much teen strife is what tends to be a common denominator, which clinical counsellor and educator Deborah MacNamara calls “peer orientation.” MacNamara is on faculty at the Neufeld Institute, named after its founder, Gordon Neufeld.

An authority on child development, Neufeld co-authored the seminal book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers with Dr. Gabor Mate. It was first published in 2004, before the rise of social media, then later re-released with updated chapters about the digital world (Vintage Canada, 2013).

The book speaks to the vital importance of children’s relationships with those responsible for them and the detrimental effects of competing attachments with peers. These concepts are even more fitting in the post-COVID world.

“For teens, the pandemic involved unprecedented separation from each other, from our structures and schedules, and from influential adults, but that came on the back of unprecedented peer orientation, where our teens are orbiting around their peers as a source of influence rather than adults,” MacNamara says.

“We’re seeing an increasing amount of the kind of exclusion and wounding that happen as a result of orienting around peers and losing the influence of adults. This wounding is particularly treacherous when combined with technology, which has created an even broader landscape for peer orientation. The root of our biggest mental health crisis with our kids is unprecedented separation from adults.”

They don’t like to show it, but teens need adults—and not just their parents. They need aunts, uncles, coaches, mentors, community leaders, and others who can support and guide them.

Ways to redirect and connect

One of the best ways adults can help teens is to steer them away from electronic devices, where possible, and not only because of harmful effects on sleep and concentration.

Introduce active options

“Technology, or the technology that keeps teens attached to their peers, erodes play—the kind of play that keeps you emotionally well, helps you process emotions and build your own identity and hobbies,” MacNamara says. “The digital world has led to the demise of play and human connections, which, in combination, help keep us well.

“Do something incompatible with being on a screen,” she adds. “You might not be able to take the whole family white-water rafting, but go on a car trip, go camping, go on bike rides—carve out those spaces with your teen.”

Make meals important for connection

Meals are a fantastic way for adults and teens to connect and communicate. Young people are typically always hungry; consider this an opportunity to talk and spend time together. “Teens have a lot more freedom than when they were younger; they have different schedules … ships that pass in the night. You want to hold onto a point of connection, and food is a wonderful place to do that.”

Listen—really listen

Sometimes adults need to admit that they’re the ones who are distracted during a conversation. “Teens’ favourite topic is themselves,” MacNamara says. “People might say ‘Oh, teens are very self-absorbed.’ They’re supposed to be the focus of their own mind. They’re figuring out where they fit, where they belong, and who they are.

“Listen fully and give them your undivided attention,” she adds. “Instead of telling them what to do, draw out their ideas. Listen to their dreams. You don’t have to agree or disagree.”

Read their mood

It’s equally important not to force discussion if teens clearly aren’t in the mood. “Make sure you’re reading for receptivity,” MacNamara says. “Sometimes they’re in adult mode: ‘I’ll do it myself.’ But then sometimes they’re much more open to our influence or ideas. You can’t always assume you have receptivity. Make sure you look for that before you have your conversations.”

Know when to offer your help

While it’s crucial with older kids not to do everything for them or coddle them, helping teens with certain tasks can go a long way to empowering them. For example, they may want to apply for a job or a volunteer position, but they may not have a clue how to draft a resume or who to contact.

“Do what you can to help your child get into the world,” MacNamara says. “Introduce them to people. Help them with a hobby or with their goals so they can move into society. Be part of it; don’t expect them to figure it all out. Support them.”